Reading the Room: The Importance of "Withitness" in Leadership
/Last week, I found myself at the airport diner, enjoying breakfast before a late morning flight. It's my go-to spot every time I travel, and over the years, I’ve become familiar with some of the staff. The routine is comforting—familiar faces, familiar food, and a chance to relax before the chaos of air travel begins.
Today, my server was the absolute sweetest. She noticed my eggs were cooked a little too soft and whisked them back to the kitchen before I could even say a word. She refilled my coffee without asking and brought extra cream because she remembered I always need more. When she saw I’d only taken one bite of my toast, she offered to swap it out for something else. Every interaction with her showed how attentive she was to my needs and preferences.
Contrast that with the host. Now, I’ve seen this host in action many times, and let’s just say “attentive” is not how I’d describe him. He insists on seating everyone at the bar or high-top tables, even when it’s clear those options aren’t ideal. This morning, he tried to seat someone with a cane at a high-top table. They didn’t complain, but I could tell it wasn’t the best fit. How hard would it have been to take a quick glance and ask, “Would you prefer a lower table?”
It struck me how these two individuals, working in the same space, approached their roles so differently. One was engaged, thoughtful, and proactive. The other seemed disconnected, treating the job as a series of tasks to check off without paying much attention to the people those tasks impacted.
This experience reminded me of a concept I first learned in college: withitness.
What Is Withitness?
Back in college, my professor, Dr. Paintal, used to talk about “withitness” as an essential skill for teachers. She described it as the ability to read the room and respond appropriately, staying tuned into what’s happening in your classroom in real time. It’s about noticing when a student is struggling before they say it, picking up on the subtle cues that something is off, and adjusting your approach accordingly.
While Dr. Paintal framed this as a teaching skill, I’ve come to realize that withitness is just as critical for leaders—especially those working with teaching staff. Leaders need to be attuned to their team’s needs, challenges, and unspoken dynamics. Whether it’s observing when a teacher is overwhelmed, recognizing when someone’s strengths are being underutilized, or sensing that morale is low after a difficult meeting, withitness is the key to creating a responsive and supportive work environment.
The Difference Between Tasks and Relationships
The server and the host at the airport diner reminded me of two very different approaches to leadership. The host, like many leaders, seemed focused solely on tasks: seat the customers, keep the tables full, follow the routine. But tasks without relationships feel transactional and impersonal. When leaders operate this way, they miss opportunities to connect with their staff, address underlying issues, and build trust.
The server, on the other hand, embodied what it means to be relational. She wasn’t just doing her job—she was paying attention to me as a person. She noticed small details, anticipated my needs, and adjusted her approach accordingly. As leaders, we should aim to emulate the server, focusing not just on what needs to be done, but on how we can support and uplift the people we’re leading.
Withitness in Action
So, what does withitness look like in a leadership context? Here are a few examples:
1. Noticing When a Teacher is Overwhelmed
Imagine walking into a classroom and seeing a teacher who looks frazzled, with materials all over the classroom and children “bouncing off the walls.” A leader with withitness doesn’t wait for the teacher to say, “I need help.” They step in, offer support, and figure out what’s needed—whether it’s an extra set of hands, time to reorganize, or strategies for managing transitions.
2. Recognizing Strengths and Interests
Sometimes, teachers feel undervalued because their unique strengths aren’t being utilized. A leader with withitness might notice that one teacher has a knack for creating engaging science activities and invite them to lead a workshop for their peers. By paying attention to what lights people up, leaders can help their staff feel seen and appreciated.
3. Responding to Team Dynamics
Maybe you notice that staff meetings have felt tense lately, or that a usually talkative teacher has been quiet. Withitness means addressing these dynamics instead of ignoring them. It could mean asking questions like, “How are things going?” or “What can I do to make these meetings more productive?”
4. Adjusting Professional Development
Just like the host at the diner didn’t ask if a high-top table was the right fit, leaders sometimes deliver professional development without considering what their teachers actually need. Withitness means tailoring training to align with teachers’ experience levels, classroom challenges, and interests.
How to Develop Withitness as a Leader
If you’re wondering how to build this skill, here are a few strategies to get started:
Observe, Don’t Assume
Spend time observing your team without jumping to conclusions. Watch how they interact with their students, each other, and you. What patterns emerge? What nonverbal cues do you notice?Ask More Questions
Sometimes, the easiest way to gain insight is to ask. Check in regularly with your team: “How are things going?” “What’s been challenging lately?” “What’s one thing I could do to support you better?”Practice Active Listening
When a teacher shares a concern, listen fully before responding. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure understanding, and avoid rushing to offer solutions unless asked.Be Present
Leadership can pull you in a million directions, but withitness requires presence. Whether you’re in a classroom, a staff meeting, or a one-on-one conversation, give your full attention to the moment.Reflect and Adjust
After observing and interacting with your team, reflect on what you’ve noticed. Are there patterns or recurring challenges? Adjust your approach based on what you’ve learned.
Why Withitness Matters
Withitness isn’t just a nice-to-have skill—it’s essential for effective leadership. Teachers, like anyone else, want to feel seen, heard, and valued. When leaders demonstrate withitness, they create a culture of trust and responsiveness. This leads to higher morale, better communication, and a stronger sense of collaboration.
On the flip side, leaders who lack withitness often leave their teams feeling overlooked and unsupported. It’s the difference between a server who remembers your coffee cream and a host who seats you at the wrong table.
The Bottom Line
As I finished my breakfast this morning, I couldn’t help but feel grateful for my attentive server and equally frustrated by the oblivious host. Both were doing their jobs, but only one made me feel cared for.
In leadership, as in life, it’s not enough to just go through the motions. To truly make an impact, you need to read the room, anticipate needs, and respond thoughtfully. That’s withitness.
Whether you’re leading a team of teachers or guiding children in a classroom, the ability to stay tuned in and respond in real time makes all the difference. So the next time you walk into a meeting or visit a classroom, ask yourself: Am I paying attention?
Because when leaders practice withitness, everyone benefits—from the teachers they support to the children in their care. And who knows? Maybe they’ll remember to bring the cream, too.
If you’re working on sharpening your “withitness” and building stronger connections with your team, the Team Spirit Booster Bundle is the perfect next step. It’s packed with practical tools and fun, meaningful activities to boost morale, strengthen communication, and help your team feel seen, supported, and energized. Grab it now and give your team the lift they deserve!